Cast
Jamie Halligan is tall, skinny, Caucasian, and cartilaginous.  His eyes are a deep green, his hair is auburn... not quite red, not quite brown.  His neck, when visible, has a prominent Adam's apple.  He is clean shaven.  His eyebrows are thick and expressive, and his posture and overall demeanour suggest hesitance, meekness, and flexibility.

Name: Benjamin Timothy Halligan IV
First appearance: Comic #1
Age: 22
Occupation: Cook
Likes his women like he likes his coffee: Artfully presented.

Ellen Boorsen is chunky and pale, with dark brown hair in a permanent ponytail and ice blue eyes behind square-rimmed glasses.  Her bone structure is broad and there is a suggestion of muscle under a layer of appropriately-distributed adipose tissue.  If Snow White took up Greco-Roman wrestling, she'd look like Ellen Boorsen.

Name: Ellen Mary Boorsen
First appearance: Comic #1
Age: 25
Occupation: Computer Technician
Likes her men like she likes her coffee: Mentally stimulating.

Max Hellenberger is short - just a half-inch shy of 'Little Person' status - and skinny.  Her natural hair colour is black, but the hair on her head is bleached, cut short, and erratically spiked.  Her brown eyes are drawn differently from those of the rest of the cast - they're over-large, and her pupils are too small, connoting barely-suppressed madness.  She has a round face with giant ears and a tiny nose.  Her facial expressions and body language alike are exaggerated, her monkey-like frame seems to be constantly primed for action, even when she's sitting still.  She's flat enough to skip wearing a bra, but her ass is pert and round.

Name: Maxine Tabitha Fae Hellenberger
First appearance: Comic #22
Age: 24
Occupation: Veterinarian's assistant
Likes her sexual partners like she likes her coffee: First thing in the morning, and then ideally several more times over the course of the day.

Lily Hammerschmidt has a body like a collection of garbage bags half full of water.  She's short but massive, and has a lumpy face with a prominent hooked nose.  Her eyes are bright green behind thick round glasses.  Her shoulder-length hair is dyed darker than its natural blonde and is slicked back away from her face.  She seems solid, like a particularly foul-tempered stump.

Name: Lily Hammerschmidt
First appearance: Comic #40
Age: 30
Occupation: Computer Technician
Likes her men like she likes her coffee: Roasted, ground up, and soaked in boiling water.

Greg Orange is a man.  Looking at his facial structure and coloration, it's difficult to place, but you might see hints of Italian, Greek, or possibly even Arab in his lineage.  His face, body and body language all suggest seriousness, masculinity, and well-handled stress.

Name: Gregory Allen Orange
First appearance: Comic #49
Age: 48
Occupation: Restaurant owner
Likes his women like he likes his coffee: Punctual.

Tim McClusky is of average build, somewhat elongated face, blond with green eyes.  He's a perfect fit for the service industry - his face is naturally smiley.

Name: Tim Harold McClusky
First appearance: Comic #52
Age: 22
Occupation: Waiter
Likes his women like he likes his coffee: Realistically attainable.

Bruce King looks like a California surfer.  He has a deep tan, light blue eyes, and short blond dreads that cover his ears.  His body and face are meaty, and his nose is lumpy, like it's been broken.  He wears tie-dye, hemp, and leather cuffs that cover his forearms.

Name: Bruce Aaron King
First appearance: Comic #58
Age: 27
Occupation: Juice Master
Likes his women like he likes his coffee: Organic.

Wallace White is an Ubermensch.  He has skin like dark chocolate, a body like an underwear model, and a face like a movie star.  His head is shaved, his eyebrows are prominent, his nose is wide, his jawline is firm, and he has sixpack abs that he keeps hairless.  His body language suggests casual confidence.

Name: Wallace Wendell White
First appearance: Comic #62
Age: 28
Occupation: Graphic Designer
Likes his men like he likes his coffee: Strong, but sweet.

Simon Wessel is short (though not nearly as short as Max), with a rounded face and frosted tips.  His natural hair colour is dirty blond and his eyes are green, but his skin tone hints at the Filipino lineage on his maternal grandfather's side.  His body isn't particularly in shape, nor is it fat.  He is never seen without either long sleeves or some sort of bracelets or cuffs.

Name: Simon Quentin Wessel
First appearance: Comic #67
Age: 25
Occupation: Student
Likes his men like he likes his coffee: Extra-large.

Gina Ulrich is at least six feet tall and gangly.  She has straight mouse-brown hair - down to the middle of her back, with bangs in front.  She has green eyes with thick eyebrows.  Her nose and ears are prominent, and she has neither tits nor ass to speak of.  Her colours seem washed out, like a faded poster that's been left in direct sunlight for too long.  She dresses modestly, and her posture and mannerisms make her seem meek, mild-mannered, and shy.  She is never seen without her gold crucifix necklace.

Name: Regina April Ulrich
First appearance: Comic #70
Age: 31
Occupation: Computer Technician
Likes her men like she likes her herbal tea: Ostensibly good for her.

Nicole Penn is blonde with bold blue eyes.  She has a round face, an average body, and dresses in a very feminine manner.  She seems like the sort of person who'd show you pictures of her cat.

Name: Nicole Geraldine Penn
First appearance: Comic #72
Age: 25
Occupation: Retail clerk
Likes her men like she likes her coffee: Small, sweet and pale.

Carol Ames is a blonde bombshell.  She has an hourglass figure and she dresses to show off her cleavage and legs.  She wears prominent earrings, bracelets and necklaces (but never rings).  She has prominent mascara, eyeshadow, and lipstick (but never fingernail polish).

Name: Carol Leah Ames
First appearance: Comic #77
Age: 26
Occupation: Teacher
Likes her paramours like she likes her beverages: Diverse.

Trent Howard has brown hair, blue-green eyes, and the kind of skin tone and musculature that come naturally from doing real work in the sun.  He has a little bit of beard on his chin, and looks like you might possibly cast him in a beer commercial.

Name: Trent Alexander Howard
First appearance: Comic #123
Age: 24
Occupation: Road Crew
Likes his women like he likes his coffee: Hairless.

The thug is tall, dark and muscular.  His hair is cut close to his scalp, and he has a silver stud in his left nostril.

Name: Richard Knight
First appearance: Comic #161
Age: 17
Occupation: n/a
Likes his women like he likes his coffee: Full of booze.

Leonard Dresden is pale, with silver hair and blue eyes.  He has a thick chin and Semitic nose, and is of average height and build for a lawyer in his fifties.  He dresses in cheap suits.

Name: Leonard Moses Dresden
First appearance: Comic #203
Age: 54
Occupation: Lawyer
Likes his women like he likes his coffee: Tall, blonde, available at Starbucks.

Cheryl Ames is blonde with blue eyes, of average height and build.  She keeps her hair shoulder-length, and when not in uniform, dresses like she's about to install a kitchen cabinet.

Name: Cheryl Rachel Ames
First appearance: Comic #259
Age: 26
Occupation: Police Officer
Likes her men like she likes her coffee: Accompanied by donuts.

Arnold Hellenberger is approximately the height and build of a refrigerator.  He has brown eyes, dark hair that fades to grey at the temples, and a thick black moustache.  Like his daughter, he has distinctively large ears, but on him, they seem to be in proportion.  Something about his face says 'authority' - it is the face and the moustache of a district manager, or a principal, or a high-ranking government official.

Name: Arnold Oskar Hellenberger
First appearance: Comic #357
Age: 56
Occupation: Manager
Likes his woman like he likes his coffee: Right where he left it.

Eric McAllister is a ginger - bright red hair, pale pink skin, and green eyes.  He's skinny, average height, and has prominent moles (that, tragically, could be easily mistaken for freckles or even acne).  His angular face is accented with a goatee.

Name: Eric Gordon McAllister
First appearance: Comic #443
Age: 22
Occupation: Cashier
Likes his women like he likes his coffee: However he can get'em.